DV: The night we left, 12 years on.

To those that have experienced Domestic Violence or are in a DV relationship.. This is a trigger warning. I am going to discuss events that have happened to me. This post discusses domestic violence, coercive control, threats, and trauma .…..

Today marks 12 years since I left my ex husband with our 3 sons. It will be an evening I will never forget or the lead up to it. It was full of fear, and anxiety. It was not a happy marriage, but one marred by domestic violence and our escape was 4 days of preparation and with the help of a domestic violence organisation. Where were placed in a refuge for nearly 2 months. What I could never predict was what would happen and how we would all change after we left. 

What led up to this move? On the Tuesday night, we had gone over to his parents place for the usual Tuesday night dinner and when he mentioned he would like a cup of tea, his mother responded with “I am not your slave, you can make it yourself’. Then stupidly, I commented that I say that as well, but would end up doing it for him. 

By the time we got home, his temper escalated and how dare I disrespect him in front of his parents. He became abusive, and all I could do was sit there, shut up and cop it. 

The following evening, our older two were sitting on the couch playing a game on my tablet, when the middle son said he wasn't feeling well. So, I put him in the shower to help his head and tummy ease up. It was then when their father came to the bathroom and said how it would be because he spent so long playing the tablet. Where I responded with ‘possibly, however he did have breaks for dinner and when his brother was playing it’. My ex did not like the fact that I did not agree with him and flew through the roof. I ended up quickly getting the boys ready for bed and tucked into bed as I could see this was going to escalate. And, yes it did. 

I was in the kitchen cleaning up and he came in threatening to leave me and file for divorce. I finished what I was doing and sat on the couch and because I did not fall for his trap and beg him to stay, his temper escalated and he made all these threats, including threatening to bash my ‘redneck’ family. Others included, telling me what a horrible person I am, and how he  could do better and find a partner from a certain culture who would do everything for him. There was nothing I could do apart from sit there, be quiet and take what he was doing till he decided he needed to go to the shops to get smoked and coke for his alcohol. 

When he left, our eldest came out and asked me why he would say all those things, and I responded with ‘You know daddy, he says things he doesn't mean when he is angry”. He then asked if his daddy was going back out after he got home and I said yes, that he would most likely be going to his best friend's place. Now, the part that broke me, he then said, “Ok, I’ll stay awake and once he leaves I'll come back out to make sure you are ok”. Our son was 8 at the time. This was when I realised that this is not ok. 

Of course when my ex came back, he continued his rampage, and I recorded the whole thing as I never knew what he would do  and feared for my life. Within an hour he left and headed over to his best friend's place.

The following day, my eldest reaction kept playing on my mind, so I went to a local community hub and said that I need help and told them about the events. They then got me in contact with a DV organisation who would help get us out and after I told them the situation, they knew it was urgent. However, I told them that I would have to wait till Sunday. During this call, I was getting calls on my mobile phone from a number I didn't know. It was my ex husband's best friend, saying that he had left his wallet in the car and was at our place to collect it. I said that I would be home within 15 minutes.

When I drove up the driveway, I saw the friend. He looked pale and his face was twitching. When i got out of the car, the first thing he said was “You need to get you and the boys out of here, he is going to kill you all” and told me about what happened the previous night. This was when I knew what was happening was not right and it was not in my head.  

After he left, I put the wheels in motion. I hired a storage shed and started moving things out of the place, where he would not notice things missing. I then went to the police station to alert them as to what was happening and what the plan was, so if there was a call, they knew. When I had to pick up the older two from school, I let the school know as well a couple of mothers. One offered to look after my cat, the other said she would look after the boys while her husband and I moved things out of the place. 

The next few days were a haze, my ex was acting all ok and evening talking about houses we could buy when we had the money. However, I was busy packing things while he slept during the day, and moving them to the storage shed. While making plans with people of when and how this was going to happen. 

Sunday came and even though we lived less than 10 minutes away from his work, I dropped my ex off at work at 3pm as I did every shift. I then dropped my cat off at one friend's place and cried when I did, then dropped my older two off at the other friend's place. Her husband met me at my place, along with my sister's 2 friends. The friends packed, while the husband and I filled the cars and put everything in storage. 

We had less than 4 hours to get what I could out of the house, which included all of the kids stuff and my things. Once it hit 7.45pm, we finished up and vacated the house. I left the car, and the car keys and a 2 page note.

When I went back to where my older sons were, I remember telling them about the plans. Neither looked upset, instead they looked relieved, like a weight had been lifted off their young shoulders.

I called the DV organisation and they sent a cab to collect us and take us to a motel, where we stayed for about 3 nights before being moved to the refuge.

I blocked my ex and his family, so I could not receive any messages or calls. As well as message people that needed to know what I was doing, especially those that I feared he would contact or visit. Surprisingly, I had everyone's support as they saw things I never saw. 

It has been 12 years ago tonight, May 25th, that this all happened. So much has happened since then, and there is so much I would love to share about our story and our journey. I don't plan on softening anything up, I will tell it as it is and as it was and it will be triggering. However, I hope that our story will or can help others. 

One thing I have not mentioned…. I remember when I was at the storage shed, I looked up at the clear night sky and saw a green streak fly across the sky. I told the husband and he said it was my lucky sign. To this day, I believe it.

As I finish this up, for those that are going through this, or know of someone going through it, remember, there are organisations that can help you get out, you do not need money. You need to be safe.